Hidden Aspects of our Sexuality

To explore Pleasure, we have to explore the hidden aspects of our Sexuality

I don’t like to demonize our personal expressions of sexuality, as long as we know about them and ofcourse we are not hurting ourselves and others. Being a fully expressive human is a gift, something I want to encourage. Self-awareness is key. Therefore it is helpful to explore the hidden aspects of one’s sexual expression. 

Often unresolved needs can dictate what we are seeking sexually. Eroticizing our unresolved wounding. Here are some examples:

We use sex as:

  • a distraction from what is not working in our life or relationship
  • to satiate loneliness
  • to feel like we are close with our partner when in reality we might not be
  • distraction from pain, so we feel better
  • to help us feel worthy and desirable


If we were hurt physically, psychologically or emotionally without healing the situation we are left with a charge that is negative or positive. We lean towards familiarity innately as humans, especially when we do not investigate our patterns more deeply and so we direct that charge into sexual channels. This will continue until we unveil our wounding and look at it with compassion. 

If we can unveil our unresolved wounding then sex can be about celebrating what is present, not was isn’t and we can experience bliss, connection, trust, happiness …. all those yummy things. We enjoy sex to unblock, and unravel us. 

Here are some ways to detect if your sexual expression may be covering up something unresolved. These are so common, so don’t take this as something is wrong with you. We want to bring the light of awareness to ourselves so this is the purpose of this once again. 

  • Have sex when we don’t want to
  • Over exaggerate orgasms
  • Fantasize during sex
  • Expect sex to help us feel secure, connected, better
  • Anything that is sexually unconventional we engage in as positive without checking in with ourselves if it is what we want, or exploring it more deeply 
  • Fixated on the liberating aspects of sexual activity without exploring what we are craving underneath this notion
  • Obsessive interest in sexual activity
  • Feeling desperate for sexual arousal to distract ourselves from our suffering. 


We also have to mention Shame when it comes to our sexual expression. Shame is what we most want to hide. Certainly there is a helpful aspect of shame that encourages us in doing good things in the world, because in a way it provides a compass of consciousness for us. Yet when it is not a reasonable dose we become contracted and disempowered. 

Ways we avoid shame and how it shows up is through:

  • emotional disconnection: we numb out, dissassociate, contract
  • narcissism: when we keep an unvulnerable/invincible position we can remove ourselves from the feeling, devoid of empathy we become self-focused.
  • aggression: when we are shamed, we can use aggression towards the situation or person that activated the shame. This can be done with defensiveness, sarcasm, or passive aggression. 

Qualities that diminish when we avoid working with our shame: empathy, responsibility, vulnerability, connection with inner child (the tenderness in us) and worthiness of love.

A healthy way to work with shame is we soften our heart and learn from the experience.